I’ve been a mother for almost two years. That’s just crazy to me. To say this journey has been all baby hugs and roses would be a lie. I have not entered gracefully into this gig but slowly I feel myself settling in.
Pregnancy was a dream. Up until the end I felt great, loved being pregnant, and had a ‘normal’ pregnancy (and only the appropriate amount of anxiety about not feeling enough baby kicks). Then came the early newborn days and I was a hot mess in every sense of the word. Jack came during a heat wave and this already overheated mama was so hot she couldn’t barely stand a hot human laying on her (but desperately wanted him to). And I was exhausted from 4 days laboring in the hospital before Jack arrived, and exhausted from the first few days of being home with a newborn. Unsure of what to do, desperately trying to do the ‘right’ thing for my baby and keep him alive, and filled with all kinds of post baby hormones and anxiety, I became a hot mess (sorry friends and family).
Life and hormones balanced out a bit but I would say I struggled with postpartum anxiety for quite a while. Looking back on it I could say it was probably more than just new mom anxiety but thankfully it got better and Jackson is thriving. But motherhood still takes a lot of energy for me and I still feel more anxious about certain things than maybe I should. I’m a mess about his sleep (getting enough? too much?) and if he’s sick (is he warm? getting sick?) There has been more than a fare share of worry over these things and I’ve just had to work on letting it go.
Hormones and anxiety aside I think the biggest adjustment for me, as a new mom, has been trying to create ‘space’ in my life and balance being a mama and being myself. I never feel like there’s enough time in my day/week to do ALL the things that I want so I have to prioritize and be selective. I’ve learned ways to save time shopping (hello google express and amazon) and I say no to more activities than I say yes to.
In this season my priorities are spending time with my son and husband and filling my own cup in ways that fit around this time. I transitioned from going to the gym to working out at home. I love being able to get a good workout done after Jackson goes to bed (saves me time and energy and don’t have to sacrifice my limited time with Jack). And I’ve found a group of amazing ladies who inspire me to push myself, to grow, and to help other women do the same thing.
As we’ve adjusted to life as parents and settled into our new roles a bit the thing that still comes up for me most is the idea of space. I want more space in my life. Physical space and space in our schedule. I am craving more space for our family. More room to play and be without living in a super crowded and congested area. Where we can create a life that moves slower, with more time for one another (and less time spent in an office or driving around town) For more space to explore and play.
I’m not sure what this looks like yet but I have felt this growing desire for ‘space’ in my life and am trusting that God is moving our family closer to his design for our lives.
Do you desire more space in your life as a mother? If so, how do you find it?